AwkwardRule #6: Competing with children
The situation: You’re playing a pickup 3 on 3 basketball game with a group of adults when all of a sudden an adorable little eleven year old asks if he can join. Everyone says ok, and he joins the other team, so it’s 4 of them vs 3 of you. After some hard fought minutes, the score is tied at 14 and the next team to score wins.
The kid somehow gets the ball and is driving to the hoop. Of course you’re the only one in position to block him. If you completely reject him like you would an adult, you could be destroying his potentially fragile ego forever. What if he never plays basketball again and ends up as a Golden Gate Park Hippie? Also, all of the other adults might yell at you for swatting away the ball, which they see as a metaphor for the kid’s hopes and dreams. Figures 1 and 2 demonstrate this visually:
Figure 1. Small child going up for a shot.
Figure 2. The result of playing too competitively and blocking the shot.
However, there’s also a danger in letting him score. If you don’t guard him at all, then he’ll figure out that he’s being patronized and that could also damage his ego. Also, if he scores and the other team ends up winning, then your teammates might be mad at you.
So what do you do? This situation requires a delicate balance of competitiveness that is described in this rule:
This rule governs any situation where you are competing with children. Children are defined as anyone that’s 12 or under. For the purposes of this rule, the child you are competing with will be referred to as CHILD.
Section A. As the wise Ben Franklin once said, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The best way to prevent this awkward situation from happening is to make sure that CHILD is on your team. By having CHILD on your team, you can’t really lose. If you win, great! If you don’t, you were playing with a kid on your team so it’s somewhat understandable.
Section B. If you failed to prevent the situation, then use this handy formula to figure out how competitive to play:
Competitiveness = (cockiness/trash talking of CHILD) * (how good CHILD is) * (your age - CHILD’s age) * (sibling rivalry factor) * (size of CHILD) * (importance of game)/ (time left OR points left in game) * (adorableness of CHILD)
AMENDMENTS
- A basketball specific amendment - “..take the charge (i.e. the moral high ground). Hands up, feet planted. Be a symbolic road block in the game of life. If he chooses to go around you with a cross-over dribble and a left-handed lay-up, then accolades to his problem-solving skills. He will probably grow up to be an entrepreneur or something of the sort. If he tries to plow through….a lesson has been dealt. You simply can’t plow through obstacles.”
- Caitlin Dean
Any suggestions for ammendments?
