AwkwardRules

Our taxi is flying down the highway, and the light speckled hills of Rio shimmer ever closer through the sultry night air. Up ahead I see the familiar flash of red white and blue. We really should have gotten on the first slightly less sketchy cab without the tinted windows. But my cousin had to have his lousy cigarette. Oh well, we all have our vices. Mine is being connected to information.

The cab driver slams on the breaks as we get closer to the lights, but it’s already too late, we’ve been noticed. The Brazillian cop says something like “A la derecha�, and then I notice their guns. Not the familiar standard issue pistols that our US cops use. These guys have huge fucking guns that probably shoot a 1000 more bullets per second than is ever necessary. We’re hoping it’s our stupid speeding driver they want to talk to, not us poor backpacking tourists. Then two guys walk up to each of our doors with their guns ready and motion for us to get out, and then we know the gig is up. They want us to open up all bags and check our passports.That’s when I remember I have generic looking pills in my backpack and my passport has three stamps from Schipol, Amsterdam. Damn.

They keep insisting we’re Brazillian for some reason, or Argentinian for good measure. Every once in a while they look at us and while making a comical puffing action, say the word “Marhiyuana!?� over and over. I don’t think they really understand that they’re in South America. I can understand people smuggling drugs out of South America. But who the fuck brings “Marhiyuana� to a country where it grows everywhere naturally? Or any drug into South America for that matter. I decide not to waste this bit of logic and reasoning on the crack squad of 6 men who surround us, especially because our driver looks like he’s scared to death of these bastards. Then of course comes the personal search. We each get our own searcher who begins a rather intimate routine. At one point, both of our searchers are on their knees using a special circle technique with their thumbs on our balls. My cousin has it the worst because his searcher is talking to him while he applies the wax on wax off technique with his thumbs.

After it’s done I feel like I owe them for a full body massage (do you take visa officer? Or perhaps travelers checks?). I look over at my cousin and I’m almost laughing and we’re both thinking, “Welcome to Rio.�

-Vikas

Currently Reading Samskrta-Subodhini: A Sanskrit Primer (Michigan Papers on South and Southeast Asia) By Madhav Deshpande see related