AwkwardRules

One of my many hobbies is pretending to be a major player in the stock market. This is actually a very easy hobby to get into. Many people are under the misconception that to get into stocks you need a lot of money and a basic understanding of how markets work. I am living proof that neither of these is necessary. All you need to get started is at least one share in a company. The amount of money you have at your disposal will determine which stock you can purchase. For example, if you have around $379, you can buy a share of Google (current price $378.60). If all you have is the three dollars in change you found around your house, you can purchase a share of the more affordably priced JDSU (current price $2.27). If you can’t decide which stock to purchase, go with the one that sounds cooler and flashier. For example, “JDS Uniphase” sounds a lot flashier than “Dow Chemical Company.”

So what’s the point of being a pretend stock jockey? It has nothing to do with making money. When you’re a stock owner, it opens up a whole new array of words to use to impress women. Imagine a situation where you’re asked how much money you have. You could answer, “four dollars and thirty five cents.” This just makes you sound poor. But if you used those four dollars to buy stock in say JDSU, you could say, “I am currently leveraging my assets into a fiber optics company that has unlimited upside potential during the inevitable upturn after the end of this fiscal year. My liquid worth is low as I have to position myself for future growth.” This makes you sound like you’re a sophisticated financial whiz who has plans for the future.

Stock ownership also gives you yet another way to waste your valuable time. When I was working at Compuware, I spent about 90% of my time keeping track of my stocks, and the other 10% watching Compuware’s stock steadily decline. If you have an online account, you can waste your time watching your stocks go up down from almost anywhere in the world.

Now that you know everything you need to know about stock ownership, buy stock in my company, Vikasiamoto’s Manufacturing and Stealing Investor Money Concern. VMSIMC has only lost a few billion dollars over the past few fiscal years. But this just means we’re growing. If you purchase at least one thousand dollars worth of my stock, I will send you an autographed picture of me rolling around in your hard earned money.

Oh, and I have that “What is Love” song stuck in my head from when I heard it at Joshua Tree last weekend. Doh.

-Vikas

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