AwkwardRules

The situation: You’re walking down the aisle on a plane and you see your seat, 14C, and sit down. The person next to you says, “Hi how’s it going?” and you’re immediately hit with a wall of bad breath so bad it makes the Chinatown fish market seem like a flowery mountain meadow. They keep talking to you, causing a bubble of foul air, and to make matters worse the air circulation hasn’t started yet. You don’t really know this person so how do you get them to stop smelling?

This even happens to famous Venture Capitalists like Brad Feld: “Dude next on the plane needs a piece of gum badly. Wondering how to tell him. Hey - I’m in 6A.” (via Twitter)

Figure 1. On the left - smelliness from a person with bad breath. On the right - smelliness from body odor.

At least in that situation you can be assured that you’ll probably never see the person again. But what about the case where the smelly person is a friend or co-worker?

Paul Berberian, a successful entrepreneur and mentor here in Boulder,  asks:
“How to tell someone really close to you that they smell - not that you smell but some friends just have bad breath or BO - do you tell or just live with it. Will it effect your friendship in the long run?”

These are issues addressed by:

AwkwardRules #13: “Dealing with smelly people”

This rule applies to situations where there is a person who smells bad, but who you still like, are indifferent to, or are forced to spend time with (e.g. you work with them).

Follow these guidelines to deal with smelly people ->

Bad Breath - This one is easy. Always carry an off-brand gum, like Stimorol from the Netherlands. If a person has bad breath, bring out the gum and say, “Hey my friend has this new gum, and he wanted me to get people to try it. Do you mind trying a piece and telling me what you think?” The person will think they’re doing you a favor and will try the gum in 99.99% of the time. 0.01% of the time, the person will be from the Netherlands and you will have to improvise.

Body Odor (includes foot / etc) - This case is a lot harder. Try the following:

1. If you have spent more than 80 hours with the person, and you have exchanged at least 3 jokes, then you may just tell them straight up that they have a B.O. problem. You have built up enough of a relationship that this should cause a problem. If you have gotten drunk with them, you only need 30 hours total. One possible option is to spend enough time with them to build up a relationship so you can tell them directly - ideally by doing things like tennis where you don’t have to be close enough to be affected by the B.O.
2. If the other person is single, try to set them up on a date. Then give them a whole bunch of advice, which includes using deodorant  / showering more. They are more likely to accept advice if they are going on a date.
3. If they are the same sex as you, invite them to play a sport where there is a locker room involved (like raquetball). Once you’ve finished playing, in the locker room, bring up some randomly sweet deodorant that 50% of the time, works everytime to get you attention from the opposite sex.
4. If you are stuck in a small enclosed space with someone you are unlikely to see again that has B.O. (i.e. on an airplane), you are pretty much screwed. This is an open problem that I open up for ideas from the awkward community out there. The only possible solution I can think of is some sort of Febreeze Bomb device that explodes with odor neutralizing power. The only problem is this will almost certainly get you arrested.

Any suggestions for amendments? Does any one have thoughts for the open B.O. problem #4 above?

This rule was inspired by an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, written by and starring the brilliant Larry David. The stop and chat situation happened all the time to me in NYC and now happens even more frequently in Boulder, and I felt I needed precise rules for the situation.

The situation: You’re walking down the street when you see someone you know fairly well up ahead about a hundred feet. As you get closer, you start to wonder whether this chance meeting warrants a stop and chat. You decide not to stop, and you say “hey!” and keep walking, but see that they’ve stopped to chat. Now you are a few feet beyond them and have to either stop and walk back or commit to the pass and keep going. The reverse situation can also occur where you stop and the other person keeps going.

Figure 1. A poorly executed Stop and Chat situation.

However, if both parties use the following guidelines, this awkwardness can be dealt with.

AwkwardRule #12 Stop and Chats

A Stop and Chat (S&C) shall be defined as a chance social encounter where two people who meet the requirements of Section A below, exchange a small amount of conversation. The following Sections describe both eligibility and protocol for Stop and Chats. Note that there is never a requirement for either person to Stop and Chat.

Section A. Conditions for Eligibility of S&Cs

1. The two people must have met at least twice, or have exchanged information in a previous conversation beyond just names, occupations, and discussions about the weather. Alternatively, one person could attempt to upgrade a long standing nod-hi relationship between both people even if they have never talked.
2. The result of the following S&C eligibility score formula must be greater than 0.25:

   S&C Eligibility Score = (1 - probability that the two people run into each other randomly during their daily activities (from 0 to 1.0)) * (how well the two people know each other (from 0 to 1.0))

   For example, let’s say I have a friend X who I know well enough to be a 0.3. In a city like New York, my odds of running into them randomly is very low, maybe 0.05. So the S&C Eligibility Score between us is 0.3*(1-0.05) = 0.285 and we are eligible for a Stop and Chat. Now suppose my friend and I are in a city like Boulder, where my odds of running into them randomly is 0.3. Applying that same formula, we get 0.3*(1 - 0.3)  = 0.21, meaning we are not eligible to Stop and Chat.

Section B. Protocol

1. Avoid acknowledgment of the other person until you are in the proper zone (from AwkwardRule #4: Nod/Hi Relationships).
2. As you approach the other party, if you desire a S&C, slow down by 25%. If both parties do this and eligibility has been met, then a S&C must occur. Either party can refuse a S&C without stigma by simply maintaining their original speed.

Figure 2. A properly executed Stop and Chat situation.

Any suggestions for amendments? Comment below!