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AwkwardRule #7: Watching graphic sex scenes with your parents

January 22nd, 2009

The situation: You’re at home for Thanksgiving, and one night you are watching a movie with your parents. They’ve rented “A History of Violence”. You think to yourself, “oh good, a history of violence, there’s probably no long sex scene in this movie”. WRONG.

All of a sudden there’s a really intense sex scene happening, with loud noises to accompany it. This goes on for several minutes. After it’s over, you think you’re in the clear, and then BAMN, another sex scene. Figure 7.1b illustrates this:

Figure 7.1b You and your parents watching the guy who plays Aragorn in Lord of the Rings get it on in a History of Violence.

Thankfully there are ways to avoid or at least lessen the awkwardness of this situation, which are outlined in ->

AwkwardRule #7: Watching graphic sex scenes with your parents

When watching a movie with your parents, adhere to the following guidelines:

 

  1. Research - As always at AwkwardRules, we believe strongly in prevention. By doing a quick IMDB or Wikipedia check, you can identify problematic scenes ahead of time and make sure you are conveniently over in the kitchen or going to the bathroom when they happen.
  2. Avoid foreign films - If you’re from the United States, be wary of foreign directors who enjoy exploring complex themes of eroticism. Some people claim the title of the movie “Y tu mamá también” means “And your mother, too”, but it really means, “movie that you couldn’t pay me enough to watch with my mother”.
  3. Fake a phone call / needing to go to the bathroom - Assuming you’re already in the midst of a wild sex scene, pretend you’ve just gotten a call or you have to go to the bathroom. Don’t worry, your parents most likely won’t pause the movie to wait for you - it’s awkward for them too.
  4. Look straight ahead - If you want to actually watch the scene because you don’t like missing parts of the movie, then maintain a steady gaze toward the screen. Do not under any circumstances turn your head toward your parents and make eye contact.

Any suggestions for amendments? What’s the most awkward movie you’ve ever seen with your parents?

Author: vikas Categories: awkwardrule Tags: , , , , , ,

AwkwardRule #6: Competing with children

January 9th, 2009

The situation: You’re playing a pickup 3 on 3 basketball game with a group of adults when all of a sudden an adorable little eleven year old asks if he can join. Everyone says ok, and he joins the other team, so it’s 4 of them vs 3 of you. After some hard fought minutes, the score is tied at 14 and the next team to score wins.

The kid somehow gets the ball and is driving to the hoop. Of course you’re the only one in position to block him. If you completely reject him like you would an adult, you could be destroying his potentially fragile ego forever. What if he never plays basketball again and ends up as a Golden Gate Park Hippie? Also, all of the other adults might yell at you for swatting away the ball, which they see as a metaphor for the kid’s hopes and dreams.  Figures 1 and 2 demonstrate this visually:

Figure 1. Small child going up for a shot.

Figure 2. The result of playing too competitively and blocking the shot.

However, there’s also a danger in letting him score. If you don’t guard him at all, then he’ll figure out that he’s being patronized and that could also damage his ego. Also, if he scores and the other team ends up winning, then your teammates might be mad at you.

So what do you do? This situation requires a delicate balance of competitiveness that is described in this rule:

AwkwardRule #6: Competing with Children  

This rule governs any situation where you are competing with children. Children are defined as anyone that’s 12 or under. For the purposes of this rule, the child you are competing with will be referred to as CHILD.

Section A. As the wise Ben Franklin once said, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The best way to prevent this awkward situation from happening is to make sure that CHILD is on your team. By having CHILD on your team, you can’t really lose. If you win, great! If you don’t, you were playing with a kid on your team so it’s somewhat understandable.

Section B. If you failed to prevent the situation, then use this handy formula to figure out how competitive to play:

Competitiveness = (cockiness/trash talking of CHILD) * (how good CHILD is) * (your age - CHILD’s age) * (sibling rivalry factor) * (size of CHILD) * (importance of game)/  (time left OR points left in game) * (adorableness of CHILD)

AMENDMENTS

  1. A basketball specific amendment - “..take the charge (i.e. the moral high ground). Hands up, feet planted. Be a symbolic road block in the game of life. If he chooses to go around you with a cross-over dribble and a left-handed lay-up, then accolades to his problem-solving skills. He will probably grow up to be an entrepreneur or something of the sort. If he tries to plow through….a lesson has been dealt. You simply can’t plow through obstacles.”
    - Caitlin Dean

 

Any suggestions for ammendments?

Author: vikas Categories: awkwardrule Tags: , , ,