AwkwardRules

The situation:

You’re meeting a close friend of the opposite sex* at a bar, and when you get there you see that they’ve brought their friend (also of the opposite sex) that you’ve met once or twice. You give your close friend a hug, but then what about the other person? Do they feel left out if you don’t give them a hug? You can’t really go with a handshake because you’ve met them already, but you don’t know them that well so does it really make sense to hug them?

I propose Awkward Rule #2 to prevent this dilemma:

When greeting or saying goodbye to a person of the opposite sex* who is not a close friend, it is required to give them a hug if you have no animosity toward them and:

1. You have met them at least 3 times.
2. You have spent more that 3 total hours in their presence. Being at the same event does not count, you must have been within conversation range for 3 hours.

If the person is not huggable under this rule, simply give them a small “hey” wave. See figure 2 below for further explanation.

Figure 2a.

Here’s a simple phrase to help you remember this rule: Less than 3, let them be. 3 or more, hug their core.

Rule #2 only applies in the USA and to acquaintances/friends of the opposite sex. It does not apply to cases like first dates or intra-girl hugging because the extensive research required to write a rule for these situations hasn’t been completed yet.

For a discussion of actual hug mechanics go here: http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/73/

* for the purposes of this rule, opposite sex is defined as the gender you like to have sex with, be it male, female, both, or miscellaneous

Every year, I get annoyed when I see that the second Monday of October is drawing near. This year, I almost forgot about it, but my friend Adam (who is Italian American and a strong proponent of Columbus) reminded me:

Adam: i can’t wait till tomorrow
me: why tomorrow?
Adam: we honor a hero tomorrow
a world hero
me: jboyd?
Adam: tomorrow is Monday, October 13th
check your calendar
me: i got nothin
now you have to tell me
Adam: lol
me: wait, is it you birthday?
Adam: nope
i’m not a hero like this guy
me: tim duncan?
Adam: i mean a truly great man
humanitarian even
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbus_Day [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbus_Day]
me: damn columbus
Adam: lol
me: he couldn’t find his own ass if you gave him a map
Adam: hah
i have a picture of him on my wall
he found india you knowme: he wouldn’t know what india was if he got trampled by an elephant
Adam: he invented the elephant
me: lol <— note: i was laughing in anger (lia), not out loud so this is somewhat of a miscategorization of my emotions

I harbor deep resentment against Columbus, but not for the reasons you might think. It has nothing to do with the possible atrocities against Native Americans or anything like that. I even respect the fact that he had the balls to cross the ocean in a rickety ship.

What I hate is that he thought he found India! India was an advanced civilization at the time, and had been for centuries, and he thought a bunch of people with stone age technology were Indians!?!

Because of Columbus, people have to use the term “East Indian” instead of just saying “Indian”. There’s only one India, why the hell should we have to specify East!? Because that asshole Columbus called the people he found “Indians”.

Because of Columbus, whenever we played Cowboys and Indians as children, I had to be an “Indian”, even though I badly wanted to be a Cowboy*.

Because of Columbus, Americans bought too much on debt and signed mortgages on houses they couldn’t afford, and now our economy is in trouble.

In closing, I would like to state that while Columbus deserves some credit for crossing the ocean and finding the Americas, he must be judged harshly for thinking that he found India.

Next up after some Awkward Rules posts: Al Gore - Overrated

* event may not have happened